You and I Versus the Problem

In the post below, Henry Cloud [TGLS 2013. 2011, 2009, 2005, 1996] describes a positive way to approach feedback conversations.

Confrontation is a necessary part of solving problems. So many people would be better off if they learned how to confront others in a way that gets better results. What’s so hard about getting confrontations right? At their root, most confrontations are just an interaction between two different people.

Confrontation does not have to be adversarial. It merely means that we are going to “face this issue together instead of putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it.” I like the phrase “to turn your face toward” as the meaning of confronting. It does not mean a military destruction of the other side, but a coming together of two people facing some problem and finding a solution that brings it all together. Poor confronters turn things adversarial too easily and quickly. It is experienced as me versus you, or us versus them, as opposed to you and I versus the problem.

In that scenario, we are a team against what is wrong, and coming together to fix it. That keeps the problem, the person, the relationship and the result all in mind in an integrated fashion.